Surviving Your Child's Adolescence by Buddy Mendez Ph.D

Author:Buddy Mendez Ph.D. [Buddy Mendez, Ph.D.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781664220256
Publisher: WestBow Press
Published: 2021-03-19T04:00:00+00:00

6

AUTONOMY

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

—1 Corinthians 13:11

AUTONOMOUS ADOLESCENTS LIVE in an independent and responsible manner while simultaneously remaining relationally connected to their parents. The development of responsible freedom and the maintenance of close relationships to parents helps adolescents thrive. Recent psychological research has found that parents who support the growth of autonomy are more likely to have adolescents who are less depressed and more self-confident than their peers (Duineveld 2017).

It is crucial to understand that autonomous adolescents are not detached from parents (Lamborn and Steinberg 1993). Rather, for adolescents, the healthy transition to independence and responsibility occurs best when parents and adolescents remain interpersonally connected (Ryan and Lynch 1989).

Autonomous adolescents who maintain a strong connection to their parents extend their range of intimate relationships and individual responsibilities. Conversely, detached adolescents often feel overwhelmed, confused, and alone. Autonomous adolescents see their relationship with parents as a secure base from which to explore new ideas, opportunities, and relationships and a safe haven for obtaining support and encouragement.

This chapter examines two types of adolescent autonomy I will refer to as value based and behavioral.

Value-Based Autonomy

Adolescents who achieve value-based autonomy develop their own beliefs and convictions. They make more value-based decisions without the advice and influence of parents. Parents can facilitate this process by staying out of the way as these individualized beliefs and values emerge. This especially applies to beliefs and values adolescents do not share with their parents. When parents discourage independent thinking and decision-making, adolescents will adapt by either accommodating to parental values at the expense of their own development or adhering to personal values while detaching from parents. Either way, adolescents pay a hefty price when parents implicitly or explicitly hinder the development of autonomy.

In order to promote autonomy, parents must identify and clarify adolescents’ values rather than determining their values for them. In addition, parents need to encourage adolescents to live in accordance with their newly discovered values. For instance, when my son Brennon was in high school, he did not believe in God and therefore found it incongruent to attend church with our family. Although I prayed for Brennon to become a believer and attend church with our family, I respected his decision to live in alignment with his chosen values by not attending church. The happy ending to this story is that Brennon has placed his faith in God and now freely chooses to attend church with us.

Another example of value-based autonomy was my daughter’s decision as an adolescent to abstain from eating meat other than fish. She made this decision because she believed that eating meat supported the practice of animal cruelty. Although she was only twelve at the time, she was resolute with her decision. My wife told her she could do this as long as she prepared her own meals when necessary. Seven years later, at the age of

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